Pacific Standard Frequent Drinker Card Membership Guide
About the Program
Pacific Standard’s Frequent Drinker Card program is, yes, a rewards program (in the ancient tradition of frequent flyer miles, traceable back to the Greco-Romans), but is more so a deep moral obligation, a song barely heard on a broken radio, a Zen koan, a type of gazpacho. Also, you get fun cards and prizes for drinking.
Becoming a Member
Anyone may become a Member at any time, simply by paying a $10 membership fee for an ID card without a photo, or a $20 fee for a photo ID card. If you choose a photo ID card, you may choose (1) a drawing of you fighting a whaleshark riding an Abrams tank with nothing but your bulging muscles and a harpoon-like device; (2) a picture of you in a field with various cute creatures; (3) a neutral yellow card with the Pacific Standard logo on it. Some may suggest the first two cards are meant to appeal to the male and female genders, respectively; this is, of course, utter claptrap. Choose freely.
Terms and Conditions
We expect nothing less than exemplary behavior from our Members. Our requirements can be most conveniently summarized in five qualities, which we refer to as the Quintuple Pacific Standards.
Comportment. The Member is expected to comport him or herself in a manner befitting the civilized milieu of Pacific Standard. Members found engaging in any oafish, lewd, or ribald behavior, such as throwing hummus, wearing skirts above the knees, or calling our owners by insulting names such as “Asiago” or “Teddy Ruxpin” shall be summarily ejected from the bar and subjected to limitations of the harshest variety, including ankle tracking devices, probation officers, and the like.
Sturdiness. Members are expected to be physical objects of relatively firm makeup. Waifs and wisps, specters and ghosts, need not apply for Membership. Members are expected to heed the respectable, solid laws of Newtonian physics (e.g., to produce equal and opposite reactions for each of their actions; not to allow solid objects to pass through them). Anyone instead following the laws of Einsteinian relativistic physics shall be pummeled soundly.
Humor. Members shall not take themselves too seriously, and shall be expected to entertain all present with comical antics. Sullen moping and “emo” behavior will only result in a sentence of three years’ transportation to Jon and John’s Sullen Mopery and Facebook Photo Booth in Williamsburg.
Heroism. In the unlikely event that Pacific Standard is forced to make a water landing, Members shall be expected to assist other bar patrons out of the escape hatch, which is located in the back room next to the large skylight.
Ale-iness. You shall be full of the finest yeasts. The yeasts are alive, and know what they’re doing. If it's very quiet, you can hear their mellifluous song. Let yourself be guided by it.
Frequent Drinker Yards
Frequent Drinker Yards (or FDYs) shall be earned at the rate of one (1) yard per dollar spent at Pacific Standard--whether on food, beer, wine, liquor, or merchandise--with certain exceptions:
Double Yards Nights and Hours: At any time from Monday-Wednesday, Members shall earn two (2) yards per dollar spent.
Triple Yards Hours: At certain special events three (3) yards per dollar spent will be awarded during the event. Consult with your bartender to determine if triple yards are being awarded.
Competition/Heroism Yards: Pacific Standard reserves the right to award extra yards to winners of various bar competitions, and, rarely, for exceptionally becoming behavior.
Membership Rewards List
Disclaimer: The rewards and their yards costs may change at any time. Ha!
Arts and Culture
BAMCash. BAMCash, which will allow you to purchase tickets to the dizzying and impressive array of shows at nearby BAM, is available in $20 increments. For each $20, you’ll need 400 yards.
BAM Membership. A year-long membership to BAM, which includes many exclusive benefits like special events and advance ticket-buying opportunities. 2000 yards.
Film Forum Membership. A year-long membership to Film Forum, which gives you discount movie tickets and all kinds of other stuff, we assume. 2000 yards.
Pacific Standard Music CD. We’ll make you a CD including any 15 songs of your choosing from our playlist. 400 yards.
Shopping, Beauty, and Fashion
Pacific Standard Tattoo. It’s part of your stomach—now make Pacific Standard part of your skin! Pacific Standard will pay a local tattoo parlor to place a gorgeous Pacific Standard tattoo on your body. Yards TBD, but likely around 5000.
Manicure and Pedicure. We’ll get you a manicure and pedicure at a beauty salon of your choosing in Park Slope so you can look your prettiest the next time you come in to the Standard. About 1500 yards depending on the place.
Pacific Standard Iron-On Badge. You can place it on any item in your wardrobe. Any item. 400 yards.
T-shirts. Wear it. Get a t-shirt with the Pacific Standard logo for 600 yards.
Eating and Drinking
Pacific Standard Pint Glass. Get a pint glass with the Pacific Standard logo on it. 300 yards.
Pacific Standard Logo Growler. Get a growler with the Pacific Standard logo on it. 300 yards.
The Maytag. We’ll fill our old-school washer-dryer with ice, and throw in 24 cheap bottles or cans so you and your buddies can party like housemaids. The cost? A mere 1500 yards.
Pick a Beer for Us to Carry, in Keg or Case. Wish a certain beer that you loved was back on tap? Have a personal favorite that we’ve never happened to carry? Now you can pick any beer (subject to availability, of course) and force us to buy a keg of it. If it’s a bottled beer, we’ll pick up a case of it. 400 yards.
Pacific Standard Food and Drinks. For every 20 yards you accumulate, we’ll give you $1 to spend on any food or drink we serve here at the Standard. For the mathematically stuporous, that would be 100 yards for a $5 beer, or 100 yards for chips and salsa.
Keg Party. Have your very own keg party with all your friends and crushes. You pick the keg, we’ll put it on tap, and you’ll get a whole day to drink it for free. We’ll also hire car services, at our expense, to take drunken people home! 4000 yards.
Dinner at Al di La. We’ll get you a $100 dinner at Park Slope’s finest eatery, Al di La, on 5th Avenue. 3000 yards.
A Date with the Owners. That’s right—Jon and John are willing to tolerate (and possibly sexually harass) your presence over dinner and drinks. You’ll get a $50 dinner on us at a fine Park Slope establishment of our mutual choosing, complete with merry conversation (awkward pauses extra). We’ll then take you out for $30 worth of drinks at a nearby bar. The cost? 2000 yards. The memories? Priceless. The therapy to properly confront those memories? Pricey.
All-Expenses-Paid Trip to Williamsburg. Pacific Standard will pay for a subway ride to glorious Williamsburg, a $30 bar tab at Barcade, and $50 towards dinner at the amazing Fette Sau. 2000 yards.
All-Expenses-Paid Trip to Smith Street. Pacific Standard will pay for a subway/bus/car ride to glorious Smith Street, a $30 bar tab at Bar Great Harry, and $50 towards dinner at Battersby. 2000 yards.
Round-Trip Flight to California. Our most lavish reward is a round-trip flight to the homeland of our owners, a land of milk, honey, and produce, where burritos drop from the trees and microbrews flow in bright, bubbly streams. 8000 yards.
Dog Walking Service. Hair of the Dog Walkers, a lovely dog walking service run by friends of the bar, will walk your dog for an hour while you enjoy a pint or two. 400 yards.
Brooklyn Boulders Membership. Climb off the calories you’ve gained drinking at Pacific Standard. (Sisyphean, eh?) A "Learn the Ropes" climbing instruction course (a $79 value) is available at the discount price of 800 yards.
Your Own Verb in the Bar Lexicon. That’s right—we’ll create a verb for some kind of in-bar action based on your first or last name. Is your last name Stan, and you like to pound a beer, cry, and ruefully describe a girlfriend you once had? We’ll call it “Stanning” from now on. 200 yards.
John Rauschenberg’s Famous Guinea Pig Impression. John Rauschenberg will do his uproarious guinea pig impression for you and your friends. Comes in three varieties: timid curious guinea pig, excited fight-or-flight guinea pig, and dancing sexy guinea pig. No fair taping it and putting it on YouTube. 200 yards.
A Poem Celebrating You from John Rauschenberg. It’s not understating matters to say that one of our owners, John Rauschenberg, is one of the greatest American poets of this or any century. He will write a sonnet celebrating you and your many desirable traits, and give a signed copy to you. 500 yards.
Bar Naming Rights for One Day. You know how we always have an alternate name for the bar on the chalkboard outside? Well, for one day, we’ll let you come up with that name (providing it’s not profane, racist, boring, etc.). 100 yards.
Baseball Cards. Buy any baseball card from our huge collection (excluding our framed favorites) for 60 yards.
Custom Coasters. Imagine: 50 coasters with whatever the hell you want on them. It’s a reality, at 400 yards.
Subscription to Beer Advocate. For 400 yards, we’ll hook you up with a one-year subscription to the finest beer magazine in this or any world.
Goldfish. Yeah, we’ll buy you a goldfish. It may not be able to last long in a pint of beer, but water (or maybe gin and tonic?) should allow it to keep swimming for a week or two. 200 yards.
Baton Throw by Jon Stan. Here’s a fact that few people know, and fewer speak of: one of our owners, Jonathan Stan, was the drum major of the University of California marching band (i.e. the leader of the band with the fuzzy hat and the baton). He still has his baton, and while he may no longer be able to bend over backwards and touch his head to the ground, he can flip it like gangbusters. Watch him throw the baton high in the air outside of the bar and catch it (theoretically). Purchaser liable for any pigeon/dowager deaths that may occur. 200 yards.
Pacific Standard Cozy. Keep your beer cold and your hand warm with a lovely drink cozy emblazoned with our logo. 100 yards.
Plaque. Want to be able to say “this is my bar stool” and actually mean it? You will be immortalized in the form of a plaque placed in a discreet and elegant location at Pacific Standard. Options include: on a stool, under the bar in front of a specific stool, on a bench, under a table. Be creative (think: toilet!). 800 yards.
Monday-Wednesday All-Night Happy Hour. Members shall be entitled to an unending, startlingly glorious happy hour, with $1 off almost all drinks, from Monday at opening until closing on Wednesday.
Priority Boarding. If Members are waiting with others to enter the bar, the bartender shall allow the Member to board the bar first, administering, if need be, psychological torture upon the villainous Non-Member in order to ensure that proper societal rank is maintained.
Free Cozy Rental. Members shall be allowed to rent Pacific Standard cozies for use during their drinking session, as long as they return the cozies to Pacific Standard at the end for safekeeping, since Pacific Standard has learned that Members cannot be trusted even with simple chunks of foam (viz. the Great Cozy-Related Choking Spree of September 2007).
Book Lending Privileges. Members may check any book out of Pacific Standard’s massive and gentlemanly library (with the exception of a few off-limits books) for a period of thirty (30) days. The Member’s name and the name of the book will be put on a piece of paper. The owners of Pacific Standard will try really hard not to lose that piece of paper. Perhaps they will even put it in some kind of locked receptacle. If the Member does not return the book within the thirty-day period, he or she shall be deplored universally.
Concierge Service. Members may consult at any time with our in-bar concierge (“Bartender”), who can recommend local restaurants, spas, shopping areas, and the like as if he or she actually knows what the hell he or she is talking about.
Recommend New Rewards. If you have an idea for a reward not currently on this list, we’ll listen attentively, and may well include it.
Various Seasonal and Daily Specials. The owners of Pacific Standard will occasionally establish temporary Member specials based on their whims, which are as numerous and as mighty as they are fleeting.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do yards ever expire? No. They might get kind of wheezy and forgetful after several years, though.
Can I pool yards with my friend(s)/significant other(s) in order to buy something? Yes. We’re not assholes, for God’s sake.
Is there an annual membership fee? No, but presents and hugs are appreciated.
How much does it cost to join again? $10 or $20, depending on the type of ID card you want. Practice your close reading.
Is this a joke? No. Though some awards, benefits, and dictions in this guide may be rather frivolous, we are as comatosely serious as Margaret Thatcher about this program.
I have questions and gripes and worries. Whom do I contact? E-mail John Rauschenberg, Yards Administrator, at pacificstandardbrooklyn -at- gmail.com.